Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
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[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
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.
.
.
.
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Squash
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM