*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
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My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
This rocks
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”