Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
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You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”