Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
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While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will