The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
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Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.