My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
just witnessed a drug deal
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.