I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
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[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.