“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
You Might Also Like
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate