John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
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My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father