Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
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We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…