All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
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Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Don’t talk down to me
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no