I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
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This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.