It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
You Might Also Like
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.