my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
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[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce