My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
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According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
How high do the levels go?
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*