just having fun
You Might Also Like
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.