My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
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A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.