Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
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Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done