It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
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“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there