If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
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MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Autocorrect is my menesis
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash