DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
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I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.