Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
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*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me