Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
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me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*