I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
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You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.