What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
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Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet