I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
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ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.