You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
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The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Holy moly
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.