Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
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I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.