What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
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There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done