Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
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If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Muppet Screams
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier