My first son he is wonderful
You Might Also Like
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
everyone has that one prude friend
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
absolutely not
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
A great tip. #CakeRex