Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
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[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets