Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
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A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Wikigenius
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.