Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
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[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years