If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
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We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party