Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
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me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
HERE’S MARKY
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Running from your problems is cardio .
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”