I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
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I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.