My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 馃檨
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when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they鈥檙e inside your office building
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment鈥檚 hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I鈥檓 not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
If evolution is real then why aren鈥檛 hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
sad to hear it but I hope it鈥檚 for the best
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Thursday
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!