You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
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No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂