HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
You Might Also Like
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Lmao 🤣
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
The old gods are rising again.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That