You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.