Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
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Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.