people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
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Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Cake safety first. Always.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.