Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
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I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
The only equipped I am is ill.
multitasking lunch
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”