It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
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Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Me :
All Day At Night
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.