All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
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Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
SF is the wild wild west man
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.