If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
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Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
This is me
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?