Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
You Might Also Like
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
whatcha thinkin bout
nyc:
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?