FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
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Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I only eat vegetarians.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie