Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
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I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.